Swedes are rude. This is the big rude-explanation post. This is also the first topic I started writing about after launching this blog.
First in general about rudeness, then different kind of situations below in bold.
Swedes talk less than most other human beings in the world. Thinking instead of talking simply is a bit more respected here. Some call that "quality", instead of quantity. Others call it... "rude"!
I don't mind calling it rude, but I actually like it. (It may be appropriate to declare that...)
Important to remember is that Sweden, swedes and swedish culture can be labeled "modern" and "anti-conservative". Around 90% of the parliament consists of social liberalism parties. That says something.
Ignoring "manners" is default here. (People still don't think very much of what goes on in the rest of the world. In rural USA something completely different is normal. Americans come to Sweden and get insulted. Swedes go to USA and become puzzled why people are reacting on them not holding doors for others - been there myself, done that myself, Birmingham, Alabama...)
Swedes don't understand the american talk of New Yorkers being rude. New York is nothing to us. What's most significant is that people are saying "oh, I'm sorry" when they are not even close of bumping into someone in the street. And people clearly walk faster in Stockholm than in NYC. "No eye contact, no smiles, no talk", a Stockholm expat from the state of New York writes.
See the comments of this post to get a feeling of how upset some non-scandinavians get from our behavior. (And see a disappointed anglo expat story from Vienna, to understand that this is partly an european issue.) Because of the internet, the word on "the swedish style" is spread.
We definitely have darker minds than most other people. The music of the swedish band The Knife could be the soundtrack to that statement. If there are some horror-tourists out there, come here and feel it. I'm talking about the travellers who don't neccessarely want to see only the things they already like and feel comfortable with.
The question is, as always, if the phenomenon that "most people" dislike - mental darkness - is something negative. You who read this may have experienced a situation when YOU were the one with the darkest mind in a room. Most people are more rude than someone. But it's easy to get offended - or getting upset by thinking "I shouldn't have to take this, is it so hard to show a little common courtesy?" - when someone acts ruder than the norm in one particular place on earth. There's not just one "common courtesy".
Because we are homogeneous, people know each other. Because we know each other, we are not very afraid of each other. And because we are not afraid of each other, we don't have to do as much "niceness" stuff "just to be sure". In many situation we are relaxed with strangers. More "equal" treatment than "special" treatment.
Different situations:
1. Move on in public:
As said, everybody are used to different levels of social affection in public.
In the USA the supermarket cashier says "hi, how are you?" when you get to the counter to pay for your food. In Sweden the cashier says "hi" ("hej"). In Denmark the cashier says... NOTHING, she just starts scanning the items! Even if the danish people are slightly less rude in general, some swedes actually feel a bit insulted by that situation. They shouldn't.
In Sweden it's also "common courtesy" saying "thanks" when getting the change or the receipt back from the cashier. In other words, it's the kind of situation when things could hit back a little on those calling us rude. This can be good to know. If you just grab your change without saying thanks, the casheer WILL think "what was that, don't I deserve even a simple thanks?".
2. Helping or not helping strangers in public:
Swedes don't like to help - if it's not asked for.
In Sweden it's also "common courtesy" saying "thanks" when getting the change or the receipt back from the cashier. In other words, it's the kind of situation when things could hit back a little on those calling us rude. This can be good to know. If you just grab your change without saying thanks, the casheer WILL think "what was that, don't I deserve even a simple thanks?".
2. Helping or not helping strangers in public:
Swedes don't like to help - if it's not asked for.
And we certainly don't like to recieve help that is not asked for. If I can do something myself, why would I want any help? If I get help anyway, I'll have to thank that person, despite I really wanted to do it myself, and that's worse.
Swedes don't like being in guilt to anyone. Everything has to be even. Being independent and as strong as other people - not neccessarely stronger, just just as - is crucial.
Swedes are also people with patience who do as they have been told. So if you ask for help, it's a whole different story. It really IS about saying something. If you don't say anything people will assume that you want to do it yourself (if they even saw you in the first place, walking around absent-minded is pretty common too). And, from a more straightforward point of view, that makes sense. That cuts all the excessive offers of help.
If someone actually is asking for help, which is rare, that person must be in real trouble, with something that can't be done alone. Turning the person down would be to create a conflict. And swedes are scared of conflicts. So that settles it.
3. Talking to others:
Everybody agree swedes don't talk very much. On the reason for it, I would like to mention that I don't think shyness have as big of a part in that, as others seems to think.
Swedes are also people with patience who do as they have been told. So if you ask for help, it's a whole different story. It really IS about saying something. If you don't say anything people will assume that you want to do it yourself (if they even saw you in the first place, walking around absent-minded is pretty common too). And, from a more straightforward point of view, that makes sense. That cuts all the excessive offers of help.
If someone actually is asking for help, which is rare, that person must be in real trouble, with something that can't be done alone. Turning the person down would be to create a conflict. And swedes are scared of conflicts. So that settles it.
3. Talking to others:
Everybody agree swedes don't talk very much. On the reason for it, I would like to mention that I don't think shyness have as big of a part in that, as others seems to think.
It's also possible to just not being so interested in... human beings, compared to other cultures. Therefore there might be a reason to start to think about what the ideal level for that is. Exactly how interested in others should you be? See, it's hard.
I emailed with a french reader who, while in Stockholm, used the language skills obtained from his period living in Norway. But in none of his street conversations the stockholmers were interested in why a french guy could speak norwegian. That kind of lack of interest.
But when it comes to speaking, you can actually put us in the middle in a comparisation. Finnish people talk a lot less than swedes. They are definitely number zero in the world in this field. (Company teaching finns how to small talk in english.) And some americans are on the different end of the scale. They (you...?) don't seem to dare being quiet in a conversation, at all, so they speak all the time.
We like to speak with people that we have something in common with, not to people who just happened to get the neighbouring seat at a train. Or just happened to get the neighbouring apartment. We talk to fewer people. But, as in most secular developed countries, we search and find likeminded people on the web and in different neighbourhoods than the ones we grew up in. If you like the fundaments of that, you could understand us a little bit.
4. Customer service:
As in other places with a tradition of a strong left-wing society, the customer service culture can be said being limited at best, or bad at worst.
"Serving" other people is not seen as very important or good. We are homogeneous anyway, so what's the point. "Serving" is "old-fashioned". It's surreal for a swede coming to a New York airport and the first thing they see is white businessmen in suits getting a shoe-shine from black men. On the other hand, swedes don't want to be served very much either. We never expect much and try to avoid confrontation. A swede says nothing. And maybe even starts "working" a little bit for the one they have already paid, without no one noticing it. An american says something about "excuuuse meee" or "asshole" in the same situation.
What I think is mentionable as a bad factor, is employees who don't understand the role of their occupation or their role in the market. Sometimes it really should be crystal-clear that they are the ones who should do something for the customer, and not reverse.
Some people are just spoiled. And bad workers. You can except some of this.
Other individuals will do their best to help you - especially when bad customer service has turned into common knowledge as a too swedish thing... Not because they are scared of loosing their job, only because they take pride in doing a good job. There's some of that too.
5. In-store salespeople who approach you after you have asked for help, or they approach you before you have asked for help?:
Most times salespeople will leave you alone until you have asked for help. It's not a rude thing. They are not ignoring you for personal reasons. They ignore you because they would've want to be ignored themselves in the same situation. It's swedish custom. Therefore it's also the smartest way if you really want to sell stuff.
Swedes really don't like talking to anyone (especially not people with an interest in them buying the most expensive stuff!) before they have finished thinking by themselves.
It's about serenity.
View from expat: a swedish american in Sweden on swedish salespeople.
6. Smiling or not smiling to strangers in public:
Some swedes don't like when strangers smile at them. They can feel like they have to smile back. It's about that "even" again, don't want to receive anything that they can't return the same way.
And maybe the do have to smile back... isn't it like that? Are you one of those who build these expectations?
Another alternative is that they think that the smile is fake. But maybe it isn't?
The most advanced want to be neutrally judged as human beings, before you maybe show that you like the person. They don't want to get a smile because how you BELIEVE the person is. Neither do they want to get a smile because how you WANT the person to be.
Some smiling people are also intolerant. They think people should be the same. So they smile at a person before knowing anything about them. "You are not gonna be in some way that I don't like, right? You don't have any odd opinions? I hope not, because now I have already smiled at you!"
Neutral is never wrong.
Being neutral is a way of giving other people freedom. They can be as they want, as long as they don't disturb you. They don't have to match your inital smile at them. If you find out that you don't like the person in question, you was at least neutral from the start. And if you like the person, you will get more chances to show it than that first couple of seconds.
But when it comes to speaking, you can actually put us in the middle in a comparisation. Finnish people talk a lot less than swedes. They are definitely number zero in the world in this field. (Company teaching finns how to small talk in english.) And some americans are on the different end of the scale. They (you...?) don't seem to dare being quiet in a conversation, at all, so they speak all the time.
We like to speak with people that we have something in common with, not to people who just happened to get the neighbouring seat at a train. Or just happened to get the neighbouring apartment. We talk to fewer people. But, as in most secular developed countries, we search and find likeminded people on the web and in different neighbourhoods than the ones we grew up in. If you like the fundaments of that, you could understand us a little bit.
4. Customer service:
As in other places with a tradition of a strong left-wing society, the customer service culture can be said being limited at best, or bad at worst.
"Serving" other people is not seen as very important or good. We are homogeneous anyway, so what's the point. "Serving" is "old-fashioned". It's surreal for a swede coming to a New York airport and the first thing they see is white businessmen in suits getting a shoe-shine from black men. On the other hand, swedes don't want to be served very much either. We never expect much and try to avoid confrontation. A swede says nothing. And maybe even starts "working" a little bit for the one they have already paid, without no one noticing it. An american says something about "excuuuse meee" or "asshole" in the same situation.
What I think is mentionable as a bad factor, is employees who don't understand the role of their occupation or their role in the market. Sometimes it really should be crystal-clear that they are the ones who should do something for the customer, and not reverse.
Some people are just spoiled. And bad workers. You can except some of this.
Other individuals will do their best to help you - especially when bad customer service has turned into common knowledge as a too swedish thing... Not because they are scared of loosing their job, only because they take pride in doing a good job. There's some of that too.
5. In-store salespeople who approach you after you have asked for help, or they approach you before you have asked for help?:
Most times salespeople will leave you alone until you have asked for help. It's not a rude thing. They are not ignoring you for personal reasons. They ignore you because they would've want to be ignored themselves in the same situation. It's swedish custom. Therefore it's also the smartest way if you really want to sell stuff.
Swedes really don't like talking to anyone (especially not people with an interest in them buying the most expensive stuff!) before they have finished thinking by themselves.
It's about serenity.
View from expat: a swedish american in Sweden on swedish salespeople.
6. Smiling or not smiling to strangers in public:
Some swedes don't like when strangers smile at them. They can feel like they have to smile back. It's about that "even" again, don't want to receive anything that they can't return the same way.
And maybe the do have to smile back... isn't it like that? Are you one of those who build these expectations?
Another alternative is that they think that the smile is fake. But maybe it isn't?
The most advanced want to be neutrally judged as human beings, before you maybe show that you like the person. They don't want to get a smile because how you BELIEVE the person is. Neither do they want to get a smile because how you WANT the person to be.
Some smiling people are also intolerant. They think people should be the same. So they smile at a person before knowing anything about them. "You are not gonna be in some way that I don't like, right? You don't have any odd opinions? I hope not, because now I have already smiled at you!"
Neutral is never wrong.
Being neutral is a way of giving other people freedom. They can be as they want, as long as they don't disturb you. They don't have to match your inital smile at them. If you find out that you don't like the person in question, you was at least neutral from the start. And if you like the person, you will get more chances to show it than that first couple of seconds.
7. The question of "manners":
Magdalena Ribbing (born 1940) has a column in the DN daily on exactly this, "manners". People send in questions. She is pretty conservative on what she thinks is ok or not. DN's purpose probably is that she should be so conservative that it gets controversial.
And people don't like her very much.
Swedes like what's "natural" and "honest". I don't write much about the vikings, mainly because I don't know much about history, but in this case I assume it is mentionable. The vikings wasn't much for manners.
People get very drunk. And then pee outside. We also spit a lot, no matter if drunk or sober. In some circles a guy with snus under his lip is seen as genuine, relaxed, someone to trust. (It looks a little like a hockey player who miss his front teeth.) Some women are also snus consumers.
So yes, this is how we are.
8. When the supermarket staff opens up a new counter:
When there's long lines, and they open up a new counter to make the waiting shorter for the customers, it doesn't matter where you stood in the previous line (if you are about to switch line).
The new line is shaped by the first come first principle. So in the new line you can suddenly be behind a person you was ahead in the old line.
Unfair for you?
Swedes look at it more in this way: who are you to whine about that, when the lines overall have gone shorter? Besides, if we only look at the new line, it's more efficient to just take care of the transaction instead of putting time on determining who was ahead of who (in the old line).
9. You are standing in the street looking at a map:
You will have to stand there until you are done - or until you ask someone for help (see number 2). Again, people will assume that you want to figure it out for yourself (if you don't ask).
10. When trying to pass someone in a crowded place, a tap on the shoulder or the phrase "excuse me"?:
Tap on the shoulder.
